I was reminded this week, inadvertently, that I’ve (once again) been neglecting my blog. So here we are, after some struggling.
Honestly, I always have a hard time deciding what to write about. I often feel like what I have to say isn’t worth your time, but then I remember that this blog (no offense) really isn’t here for other people. It’s for me to open up with what’s on my mind – talk openly about myself and what I’m struggling with because it’s so common for me to bottle everything up.
So here we go. #deep
Over the summer I have been a little concerned. I hadn’t had my “time of the month” in a while, and I knew I wasn’t pregnant. So, what then? Why had my body all of the sudden decided to change up and worry me?
Turns out, my hormones are all out of whack. What does that mean? It means that while it’s easy to get them back in whack, it’s going to make things a little more difficult when I decide to have children.
For those of you who know me – I know you’re wondering why this is a big deal. I’ve always said I don’t want to have children, and if you would have asked me a few months ago I would have stood by that. But as I sat there and heard the words come out of my doctor’s mouth, I’m going to be honest, I was praying that I was pregnant. The idea of having that gift taken from me scared me more than I can put into words.
I walked around like a zombie for a few days, at least that’s how I felt. Emptiness. I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t angry. I just was.
Eventually, like I always do, I snapped out of it. That’s the curse and gift of being emotionally strong. You learn how to move forward, but sometimes it’s at the expense of really feeling, allowing your emotions to consume you, even if only for a moment.
But regardless of moving on or not, I’ve changed. I’ve gone from someone who cringed at the thought of having children to someone who feels an ache and longing when I see a woman walking with her baby in her arms, pushing her infant in a stroller.
I’m not really sure what my point is in telling you this. Maybe it’s that life can change in an instant, don’t ever think you’re plans are set in stone. Who knows. But I’ve been working on being open and honest about who I am, and this is part of that. So to all of my ladies who think they have it all figured out, prepare yourself because we never know what life is going to hold.