10 things I’ve always wanted to say to my dad.

It’s no secret that I grew up without my father in the picture. It’s always been me, my mom and my little sister, Savannah. It couldn’t have been more perfect. God blessed me with two of the  most amazing women in my life because he knew I needed something a little extra. But despite the amazing childhood I had, granted there were a few bumps in the road, there has always been an emptiness left behind where my father should have been. Lately I’ve been thinking about him a lot and what I would say to him if I saw him. Well, that’s not going to happen, but I still feel like it’s important for me to say.

So here are the 10 things I would say to him if I could.

1. Thank you for making me a strong person.

After being disappointed by the one man who should always be there for you there isn’t much else I can’t handle.

2. I know I was better off growing up without you.

But that doesn’t make it any easier to do.

3. No matter how many times I say I don’t care about you – I do.

I wish being in my life was so important to you that you would have stayed, tried a little harder, become a better man. I don’t hate you, and I never will. It just would have been nice to have you around. You didn’t even try.

4. Yes, you have influenced every relationship I have ever had.

I know how it feels to have someone I love leave, so I make sure I never get close enough to allow that pain back into my life. There are only a few allowed close to my heart, none of them have been my boyfriends.

5. When I see pieces of you in me it terrifies me and makes me happy at the same time.

Even if it’s your temper I remember so well, I’m glad to know we have some kind of connection.

6. Even though it’s my goal to be nothing like you, it’s something I haven’t been able to avoid. 

I’ve walked away from so many who love me and who I love. It’s that love that scares me because those you love the most can hurt you the most.

7. When other people complain about their dads I get angry.

At least their dad is there to make them angry.

8. I think about you all of the time.

It doesn’t necessarily make me upset or make me happy to do so. It’s just something I do.

9. I wish I knew your birthday.

Unfortunately my mom doesn’t even remember you because she’s buried the memory of you and would rather it stay that way.

10. I love the person I am today, and without you there’s no telling where I would be in life.

I guess there is a silver lining to you walking out.

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2 thoughts on “10 things I’ve always wanted to say to my dad.

  1. Mike McLaurin says:

    Very touching. Every couple should read this and think about those words and the impact that their actions have on the ones that they are supposed to love and protect.

  2. Anon says:

    “I believe that the definition of definition is reinvention.” Declining the influence others have on us is a near impossibility – in your case, it was influence by absence. To me, that is the hardest one to overcome. You get to think about the things that could of happened, the things that should have happened. Those thoughts, those “what if” scenarios, they are a virus. When you are infected with the things you miss that were never really there, it is a fantastic thing to accept the reality in which they are. Talk about them, and write about them like you just have! It is so healthy! However, like something of this magnitude often is, it lapses to remission. The thoughts remain. The band-aids stack on top of one another until they are as obtuse and ugly as the scar itself. The only way out, the only way to shed the thoughts is to do exactly what you are doing but go one hard step further. You have to redefine yourself. You have to get so passionate about something, so deeply in love with something that it overtakes you and gives you new meaning. New purpose. Build a new reality. Its not unreasonable to do this, and it sure is not impossible. Leverage yourself on what really got you here, and what really influences you. Your real family, your real friends. Those who you choose to bring into your life, not those who chose their way out of yours. No matter how broken things may get. We are here. So take the risk, if thats even what it is, because you owe it to yourself to choose who you want inside that wonderful heart of yours, who you want to influence that intelligent brain of yours.

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